Life to Death, to life as death can be a profound transition and inspiration. When the dark reality became abundantly clear, many strands of fear ,needs and wants encircled my every movement. My thoughts stretched for needed clarity in this deathly transition I was living in. I was dying in a foreign land and no one would ever know what became of me, I felt like I was disintegrating.
It was only days ago I was grazing on my verdant patch of a farm with my feet planted firmly in the Latin American air , it was the atmosphere of the Eterna Primavera or Eternal Spring of Antioquia Colombia. I felt the world envelope me as it was was slipping away by degrees. I was losing weight and slipping into hours of depression and fitful sleep. A dull ache and dread crept over me as I began to experience pains shooting through my organs at different times , pain was moving through me leaving trails of anxiety. I listened and felt the changes in my breathing , I was fatigued and hoped for a rapid and comfortable death , it didn’t feel like that was going to be my wish come true.
Start Again Edited to here///////……… mild fresh air, music and sunshine, listening for the changes in meter and tones, my own breathing to heartbeat ratio, standing straight, don’t limp, look up, look at that and how do i look, where’s my sunglasses, god, Pete, ya look like yer dyin’, yeah right, so? Wanna talk about it? Talk me out of dyin’? Nah, i’m goin’, i’ve decided, i’m goin’ all the way this time, Dead. This is my Dead Blog, that becomes a Return from the Dead Blog as Death becomes Her and another Passing Fancy for the Dead…day of the dead and dat’s what i said…
not expecting an inspirational note to emerge here but…it could happen…i got up close and personal with death and it’s constituant parts, so when i got my confirmation i looked at options …hospitalizations and treatments and oxygen and specialists …i decided to pass and ride out my asphyxiation with my own care to my own demise…thats cool right? Silvia asks, “…aren’t you afraid?” At this stage and now…No. Several months ago it was difficult…now, i am very focused in the present while i make steps toward progress and improved health daily. It is a discipline to give up anxiety and my definitions of pain and discomfort…that is what i am learning each day i am alive.
I wrote this several months ago , here’s an update for any who asked .
I am now 128 pounds, have pain near continually , floating pain in my eyes and back and shoulders , I have days as an invalid and days as a marathon runner , this is difficult to work with at times , I have overcome debilitating depression and no longer use anti-depressants or anti-anxiety drugs , I am unsure of my progress or regress, confidence in this process is momentary and fragmentary, this is the most difficult series of changes that I have ever encountered , it is slowest and most arduous tasks like walking that sometimes tell me that this can’t go on like this and that soon I will be dead , but I have been wrong and I continue and wonder at how far can this go with me still breathing and beating my breast and heart for fresh vibrations to the Soul. I climb this Mountain of Infirmity and defy it , I say, ‘OK, what else will this Syndrome Disease Infirmity Cancer, COPD show me ?’ at this stage , I say bring it on , lets dance and see if you can box me and send me to the crematorium for reconfiguration of all my softwares. In my time of dyin’ you may be disappointed … I’m still makin’ it , shakin’ it and breakin’ it … I’m not surrendering to Medical Science , doctors, nurses or experts from The Industrial Health Dispensary .
I am my own doctor, I treat myself well , am kind and have excellent bedside manners , I am clean and I know how to exercise and eat well , I handle my own prescriptions that I administer myself , I grow my medicines in my Zen Garden , I nap now, no more full night’s sleep, I rest at odd moments , I nod out and snap back out of that back to this … each day I am closer to Reality and Immortality , death becomes my companion and counselor . In my Time of Living I came to see Death as a Mentor .
April of 2015 …yes I am still alive and I have fought every single inch of this way to Not Quit …and won’t till I die .
I was deported from Colombia in 2014 on Thanksgiving …I was dumped by Colombia Immigration in Florida , I lived in New Jersey. I fought my way out of imposed homelessness , I used any social service available , been hospitalized a half dozen times in 2 countries , I exercise my lungs with yogic breathing exercises , I consciously force my self to breathe , my problem , my challenge , no sympathy and please no compassion , walk on by , just walk on by and ask me for a cigarette or a buck , I got ya covered out here . I know where I am going …and it is not on someones backside to the Mortuary . Friends reached me in the streets of Medellin ,Colombia and got me out of my situations to get me to some semblance of Home , I am NJ, never lived in Florida , like Colombia I have been a stranger here …But now I am in my own strange homeland, this is where I came from, I am grateful and amazed at my hope filled pleasure at being here in North America and the deep south , full of rebels and racists , and shootings and riots and war and poverty and all we can get on Pay day … I won’t criticize or judge , this is my country and I will stay until I die .
I fell in love a couple of years ago , this , as my 3rd wife went out of her way to increase my chronic discomfort and lonely suffering , I watched her do what she did and be discouraged at my tenacity and progress , the saga and drama is uglier than any of us want to hear about , I don’t want to hear about it … so I met a classmate from 50 years ago and I fell in Love …got really silly and trusted my inclinations to be open to her , I told her of my love and failures at love … so she used me , she got some happy hours of me in free fall … I talked and opened and wanted her to get to know me , the guy , she never knew me as a teenager and now she had the old dying replica of 1965 . When I was ten my parents gave me my first guitar , it was cheap and was difficult to play , but I worked away at it and learned the basics … I still play after 60 years , I have been played just like that old unrespectable cheap ass guitar … that guitar is long gone , disintegrated and maybe the strings are somewhere interesting and rusting , I am not . My parting words to my girlfriend after she dumped me twice ? heh heh , wow , do I feel stupid, before my eyes she was transformed into one ugly witch sent to infuriate me, my own ignorance of what I was seeing and feeling . she unwrapped her bundle of adolescent chick games and invited friends for the barbeque … I am 66 and ill and she wanted me to entertain her while she laid my soul in the dirt with her femininity and sexuality , and , I played and she smirked and made it an occasion for her blistering invasions into my heart and life . That is Trust . I needed a wake up call , God Gave it .
I am not a victim , I am a guy that is sick, and , man o man , am i tired of this ? I have been married 3 x and this one takes the layer cake . No complaints , just here to drop a line and a word about your 21st century psycho babblers that get off on decadence and manipulation …SO ? why do we get cancer kids ? Guess .
I am not dead yet …so deal with your own mortality and I will take pleasure in mine .