“While I though…

“While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.” Leonado DaVinci

a hell of a place to start, at the mortuary for planning the inevitable. “Now, over here we have the seeker casket and plans for the crypt with a view…” I am going in the direction of my own demise, I will die within an appointed Time. Not being able to pitch two cents on a gravesite, i have this cool earthy little compost pile where we can fit the Essence of Sweet Waters, yeah, ‘I fertilizer, You Earth’ …Wait…What?

my diagnosis is easy if i don’t think about it, then it’s difficult, if i do think about it,  and its funny when you think about it…see, i think i’m pretty lucky , how’d i get so lucky? dancing with Dr. D is exciting and disconcerting, nobody that I know likes this creeper of a reaper, but he is the Conductor of last labors to get you out of your skin…so, i was pleased to make the acquaintance, “…uh, i was noticin’ the temperature of thy fingers Bones, is that an Ice Tray or are you just here to Plant me?”…OK so, i accept that i am going to die, there is no date, no time, only hand signals from the Tree of Life, the Bird of Pardise and Baalam’s Ass.

My guitar teacher died of cancer in 2001, he was a Zen practitioner and great musician, he melded the teachings to soul and spirit …he kept a log and a diary of his Walk into Infinity’s Secrets…it was courageous and now i can do as he did, not just say or play as he did, But, i can die just as I actually am, i will get to draw my last breath and slip out of this place and disappear before anyone’s eyes…Nice…yeah, i thought so.  I have plenty of music to set the mood…’PARTY’ …must be some Good Food and Drink, I will allow smoking of all smokables and please feel free to sing dance clap or pass wind …

No. I won’t bemoan fate, Fortune, Luck , circumstance, habits, people or ideological positions (Missionary anyone?), I am ready to die…oh no, but, i hate to leave my children cryin’…”sheeeeet, ain’ goan be a tear shed aroun’ cheer…dat boy was askin’ fo trouble all a time, wid his drugs and cigarettes and whiskey and women and that loud ol’ music he play all da time…sheeeit he was a cadaver waitin’ on a hearse to flag a ride Home and a tow truck for da two wheeler.”

I admit i went through my stages and denials and i am getting used to it now…it was a real mind fraggling experience that has grown into an understanding of Temporality and Eternity, the Present is full and the past is gone…the future is nothing if it is not Potential without limits.  So, i will die, it happens All the Time…maybe i should pray that God will spare me and let me watch my children grow…ask God, ask the pastor…go ahead Pastor ask me if i know Jesus as my Savior tell me i will rot in Hell, tell me about Satan and Lucifer and sulfuric burnings, lakes of Fire and Brimstone, a miserable suffering and writhing and screaming in agony…How very comforting to think about…i wonder at how big a splash can be made in a lake of fire and brimstone…’ can opener or cannonball ?’

Lets get serious and sympathetic and maudlin, shall we? Let us express our sincere regrets at having to die this way and making so many uncomfortable. All this  lingering and blogging and opining and courting stranger’s compassions brings out the philosophical postulate that the afterworld requires aftershocks. I become reflective and wish i had slapped my boss when i was given the chance…but we will save it for next time.  AND…i should have and i could have,  though i meant i would have, and won’t, or Wish or Want… i must care for myself Mama and am unsure of what in Hell i should be caring about…when i care a lot i get scarred not scared…been scarred and now just don’t give a shake of this or a twist of that, now i can wait out much for me to anticipate…

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