12 11 12, is tomorrow the end of the world? i don’t want to miss that!
pain is beginning to settle in, i can feel hot pain spots in my lungs, shallow breathing, i sleep good with Oxycodone and Tylenol PM, weed is good for creeping anxiety, whaaaat the fock is ‘ creeping anxiety? When i begin too think on my own asphyxiation there is a very quiet eerie sense that i am about to take my last breath, i don’t panic, i rest in it and wait the moment or two that it lasts, then…i get real quiet and it’s just like a wind passed over me. I am holding off all meds until i can’t endure it anymore, body functions pretty normal, the new anomaly is the onset of lingering pain, not unbearable yet.
The Mayans say the End is Near, Oh Good, i like a good ending to a story, that wraps the whole shootin’ match up nicely, maybe i’ll return as Mayan sacrifice, ya know, chop me up for firewood? Or i’ll return as a hanging judge to see my enemies swing from a scaffold. Maybe i’ll just hang around until someone decides to put me out of reveling and warbling, 120 seems like a nice age to get planted as an antique. Mayans Aztecs Mestizos Gringos Jews Semites Negroes Mics and Scotchmen are petitioning for the partition of my boots and sandals for the benefit of those who don’t have a leg to stand on.
Cyber stuff is interesting, how we say things now in print, or on Skype or Magic Jack, or Facebook, how we’ve changed in our approach to each other, we know more and we know less, it’s the same masquerade…i am trying to get past all that and get rid of this cumbersome mask…
so what, i am going to die, so what the fuck do you want me to about it? go into chemotherapy and barf my way to the crematorium, Thanks, i’ll pass. Dying, so far has not been too bad, it takes patience when your number comes to the ticket taker, every movement toward your seat is remembered and felt and considered…is this the last thing i am going to do? Here? Wait, i may have left the water on in the bathroom or the light on in the hall…OK Silvia can get it.
I enjoy joking about it because it is just such a disturbing topic, who wants to die? And yet we all are in this continual process, though often unnoticeable, shedding of our skin, yes, it grows back, we are always recycling until it is no longer up to us. That’s all.